If only monopolies were merely frowned upon, and not illegal, these logos may have seen the light of day. Only because this marriage was set to involve two of the most powerful empires in the American economy, their planned union was obliterated.

Theirs was a vision of a brighter future for America. By joining their resources, they would be providing us not only what we as a people want, but what we need, and vice versa.

A committee of judges slammed their gavels, and the dream team of Huggies diapers and Vlasic pickles was no more. But before that tragic fate, their marketing team called on me to lend my talents for a few of their planned brand collab offshoots. Luckily, I'd finished my end of the bargain before the gavels pounded, so my service fee was secured.

This seemed like the most fruitful of the three offshoot brands poised to launch at the officiation of the merger. A vegan fast-food restaurant.

Taking its name from a UK mainstay known as a bender-on-a-bun, traditionally made with a sausage on a set of buns, bunbenders would have curved in the vegan direction, replacing the sausage with a full, uncut pickle.

Sweet Auntie Marie's Bread & Butter Diaper Relish—a soothing ointment for irritated infant bottoms—would have been a brand with a certain target market: the parents of babies. The logo would need to appeal accordingly.

Creating a homely, traditionally familial ambience was the approach, utilizing olde-time lettering and centering a subtly bottom-like ampersand as the mantlepiece of a family-seal-like coat of arms, with textures of hand-stroked ink to give the impression of a hand-made product. Elegant and inviting.

The Dilly Diaper is a line of artisanal seasonings for baby food.

The brand's logo gives the impression of a fine, respectable pub, like the former haunt its headquarters was set to call home. The pub actually was also called The Dilly Diaper, and this is pretty much a direct rip-off of their logo.